Old Favourite: Cow Economics

A view of life versus politics, business & religion that applies the warped logic of the latter to a simple example of the former. First, you need are two cows. Then you need to read on ... 

The Traditional picture 

SOCIALISM 

You have 2cows. 

You give one to your neighbour. 

COMMUNISM 

You have 2 cows. 

The State takes both but still forces you to milk them and gives you a small amount of the milk. 

FASCISM 

You have 2 cows. 

The State takes both and sells you some milk. 

NAZISM 

You have 2 cows. 

The State takes both and shoots you. 

BUREAUCRACY 

You have 2 cows. 

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away… 

CAPITALISM 

You have 2 cows. 

You sell one and buy a bull. 

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. 

To which may be added: 

CREDIT CRUNCH CAPITALISM 

You have 2 cows. 

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. 

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. 

No balance sheet provided with the release. 

The public then buys your bull. 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. 

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. 

A BRITISH CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

Both are mad. 

A FRENCH CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide. 

A GERMAN CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows ... 

but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch. 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. 

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. 

A SWISS CORPORATION 

You have 5000 cows. 

None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

The one on the left looks very attractive. 

A CHINESE CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

You have 300 people milking them. 

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION 

You have 2 cows. 

You worship them. 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION 

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. 

You tell them that you have none. 

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of democracy…. 

A WALL STREET CORPORATION 

You have 2 real cows. 

You also have 200 paper cows created through derivative speculation. Due to all the extra cows on the books, the value of cows and the price of milk plummet. 

A recession starts and the farm faces bankruptcy. 

The government determines that a farm of that size - with more than 200 cows - is too big to fail and decide to bail it out. It refinances 20 of the cows and allows the farm to stop marking the rest of the cows to market. 

The Government also introduces a Cash-for-Cows stimulus programme. 

The farmer is encouraged to kill one cow for cash while buying a new one on credit. The new cows have to consume and produce less in order to benefit the environment. The price of milk starts rising and the recession is over. 

Big bonuses are paid to all involved. 

And finally … 

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION 

You have two giraffes. 

The government requires you repaint them to look like cows – to find and pay for the paint yourself, to smile about it and to declare that they are better milkers than British cows – or they will beat you!